So What Happened on Our Vacation to Wuyi Shan?


[Train in sunlight] 3:55 PM Mitch: So what happened on our vacation to Wuyi Shan?
Molly: You wanna talk about this now?
3:56 PM Mitch: I'm free if you're free but if you're busy no problem.
Molly: Just a sexond while I finish cyburring.
Mitch: Do you have any toilet paper?
3:57 PM Molly: Girls don't need that for computers.
Mitch: I know but boys do for the crazy shit we eat in the dining hall.
3:58 PM Molly: True. Maybe steal some from Goody Two Shoes Teacher
5 minutes
4:03 PM Molly: Everything go well?
4:04 PM Mitch: You could have drank that one with a straw.
Molly: Nummy. Lemme file that image away for later
K, so where should we begin?
Mitch: I reminded me of those fruit smoothies you get every afternoon.
Molly: Wuyi Shan: An Interpretive Working Title
4:05 PM Should we mention anything before the train ride over?
[Train and platform] Mitch: Well I don't suppose the part about the dentist is all that thrilling to the story.
4:06 PM And mostly we just waited in line at the train station.
That was pretty anticlimactic
So maybe we should start on the train.
So we got on the train.
4:07 PM Molly: Yes, I will confirm. There was a train. We boarded.
Mitch: And found our way to our hard ass, extremely verticle seats.
Molly: I studied Chinese characters for a while.
4:08 PM Mitch: I must say they were barely designed for sitting for even a short while, let alone 13 hrs of over night train riding.
I started to read Good Omens.
Molly: When ALL OF A SUDDEN...!
4:09 PM Mitch: Wait a minute, first I have to put my head down to catch 2 or 3 z's.
A voice from above....
Molly: but pretty much Mitch had a following of interested by-sitters
Mitch: Just at the moment I finally got 1.5 z's in.
4:10 PM "Where are you from?" I think someone said.
Molly: it was the girl to your left.
Mitch: I just figured it wasn't me, so I got another .25 z's.
4:11 PM Molly: this story might take a while if we count partial Z's
Mitch: I had a sense of that but I wasn't really in the mood yet.
I think the only thing we got that whole night was partial z's.
Never really got a whole one in edge wise.
[Train platform perspective shot] Molly: Truth.
But we started a fan club!
Mitch: Yeah, another fan club!
4:12 PM All of a sudden, everyone can speak English. Who could have figured.
Molly: Your fifty-third Official Fan Club.
Mitch: It's rough being a laowai in China I tell you.
Molly: they offered enough snacks to stock a corner store
4:13 PM Mitch: Did you know that laowai indirectly translates to Rock Super Star Model.
Molly: No, I had no idea!
Mitch: What in the hell were those snacks. Did you recognize any of them.
Nothing I ever ate in the states.
But at least they didn't have chicken feet. They come at the end of the story.
4:14 PM Molly: yes. pummelo, melon seeds, hawthorn jelly
Mitch: Oh yeah standard snack fare.
Molly: some whacky local crackers
can we stop being excruciating yet?
4:15 PM Mitch: Yeah let's get to the part when Janet came to sit with me.
She's pretty cute.
We were having so much fun. Taking pictures of each other and texting them to each other.
Molly: she was all over you like fur on a hamster
Mitch: She sent me a very cute picture of herself with a pig.
Molly: and right in the middle of asking you question #174...
4:16 PM Mitch: And while I was trying to send her the photo of us together I caught on my phone.
Baaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrffffffffff!
Molly: right in the middle of conversation!
Mitch: Right in our snack bag.
Molly: right there!
Mitch: What in the hell is going on I thought.
Molly: she was vomiting, you see.
Mitch: Practically on my shoes.
4:17 PM Molly: she had never been on a train before.
Mitch: It was liquidy too.
Apparently she had a little motion sickness.
Molly: she had motion sickness.
Mitch: Understandable.
But still quite out of the blue, and into my shoe.
Well not quite, but pretty much.
4:18 PM Molly: but she pleasantly wiped her mouth, smiled, and continued the conversation after a bit.
Mitch: Yeah we just carried on as if nothing ever happened.
That's how they do it here.
Molly: so there you were, talking again, unable to squeeze in a Z.
4:19 PM When ALL OF A SUDDEN!...
Mitch: What happened next?
Molly: She barfed into a bag! Right there! Again! In the middle of a question.
4:20 PM Mitch: Yeah the sudden barfs, peppered our whole chat.
It was kind of cute really.
I kept hoping she would kiss me.
Molly: hnhheheh!
not really!?
4:21 PM Mitch: No not really.
But it sure would have been a tasty smooch.
All that added flavor.
I love chinese snacks.
4:22 PM Molly: Er, right, so we were sitting on hard seats, upright, 90 degree angles, for 13 hours, started a fan club, enjoyed conversational vomiting, and then....
Mitch: Didn't you know partially digested pomello, melon seed, hawthorn jelly, cracker. Is a delicacy in Xiamen.
Molly: and then!?
Mitch: Actually I'm pretty sure the angle was more acute than 90.
But no matter.
Molly: (but only when it's preserved in jelly and shoved into seaworm casings)
4:23 PM nomnomnom
Mitch: And they think we're joking.
Molly: it's not a joke. People eat that stuff.
Mitch: I've eaten that stuff.
Don't ask me why.
4:24 PM Molly: So perhaps at this point in our story we can arrive? Can we arrive yet?
I really wanna get off this train.
Mitch: Yeah the rest was just hours and hours and hours and hours of sleeping together on a table.
Or not really sleeping together on a table.
Molly: but not that many hours.
Mitch: We actually made a pretty cute pile of not sleeping people on a table.
[(Not) Sleeping on the table] Well a half table.
Molly: a table 1.5 feet square.
4:25 PM Mitch: But yeah let's get off this train.
Seriously can we get off this train yet.
Molly: It's eight in the morning?
Mitch: Is it really.
Finally
I feel like we have been on this train forever.
Molly: Lovely, dahling, our car is waiting.
Morgan met us.
4:26 PM with his friend Ray.
His really pea-in-a-pod similar friend Ray.
Mitch: Sister please.
Molly: They were pretty cute together.
Mitch: Those two are cut from the same mold
Molly: Same manner of speaking, and mixing up genders.
Mitch: Couple of real he/she mix ups.
4:27 PM Molly: precisely.
They've been friends for a long time-- they were classmates.
Mitch: Yeah they were classmates.
In middle school I think.
They were classmates right?
4:28 PM Molly: Yes, I believe they mentioned more than twenty times, they were classmates.
The car is waiting.
Mitch: Twenty times in the first day. Let alone every other day were there.
But redundancy prevents errors.
4:29 PM Molly: as in Chinese.
Mitch: And there was a lot of redundancy in our story.
Molly: there was a whole lot of redundancy in our story.
Mitch: At least if you were there to hear it.
Molly: wait, you just said that;.
Mitch: I felt like we were in the Department of Redundancy Dept.
Molly: Can we get in the car? The car is waiting.
4:30 PM Mitch: Yes let's get in the car already.
Molly: They have a vehicle for us.
Mitch: Are we off that damned train yet.
Molly: to be chofered around in.
Mitch: That was pretty sweet.
Molly: we are taken to the hotel to check in and told to "have a wash"
Mitch: Then we had small rice porridge.
Oh yeah our lovely hotel.
Can't forget that
Molly: or can we.
yes, let's do.
4:31 PM Mitch: So fine amenitites.
I'm so glad we didn't get the cheap room.
What would that have been like?
Molly: kerseriously.
Mitch: Luckily we didn't take any pictures of it.
So no one has to see the truth.
Molly: Probably no air conditioning to dick around with.
Mitch: Yeah just a fan with only one blade or something.
But we'll get to jacked up fans later in the story.
Molly: Hullo? Front desk? Air Conditioner does not open. Send the lady with the clicker.
4:32 PM Mitch: Qing Kai Nega Kong Tiao
Molly: right, small rice. we were hungry.
Morgan took us to a breakfast joint near his house.
Mitch: Yeah that was pretty yummy
4:33 PM And the spicy pickled breakfast items were also tasty.
Molly: flavoured with hunger and the joy of Not Being on a Train(tm)
and then we went to Morgan's apartment
Mitch: The first of many gong fu cha experiences.
Molly: Tea drinking and people meeting
Mitch: We met the coroner.
4:34 PM Or moreover The Coroner.
Molly: The Coroner and his son...
Mitch: Bill right?
Molly: yes.
Mitch: The Coroner's son.
Molly: and there was the boy Mark.
Mitch: He likes roller blading I hear.
He likes basketball I hear.
Molly: And Morgan's wife, Mrs. Mao
Mitch: She's very nice.
But not very photogenic.
4:35 PM Molly: Bill likes roller blading and Mark likes basketball
Mitch: Yeah that's right.
"Molly please sit down and have some tea."
"Molly" "Molly" "Molly"
Molly: So we hung out for a while, or you did, while I gave an impromtu English lesson for the boys and Mrs. Mao cut up fruit for me/
Mitch: Who am I? I'll give you one guess.
4:36 PM Yeah and I smoked Chonghua cigarettes and drank tea with the boys.
Chonghua's are the most expensive cigarettes around you know.
70 rmb a pack.
Molly: I did not know.
Mitch: That's $10 to you silly Americans.
Molly: I hate cigarettes with a blinding seething passion.
Mitch: I love them.
4:37 PM Molly: Yes, you do.
4:38 PM So after hanging out for a bit, who came to fetch us?
Mitch: The golden Cadillac
Molly: to take us to The Restaurant
Mitch: Mrs. Mao's brother I believe.
Molly: His wife's brother.
4:39 PM Mitch: The Restaurant (Part 1)
[Ray's wife and Morgan] [The Coroner and Bill] Molly: He was the head of some garage? Something to do with cars?
Mitch: Yeah they fix cars and tractors I think.
He's the boss.
Molly: He was a very busy man. As evidenced by his very impatient driving skillz.
4:40 PM Mitch: Dude he busted ass on the road.
Molly: As I recall, we didn't kill anyone.
Mitch: Not that I saw.
But we were going pretty fast.
And it was a pretty big car.
Molly: In unmarked fancy vehicles.
Which he would change out in the middle of the day.
4:41 PM All of a sudden it would be the black machine
also without plates
Mitch: The black one was fast too.
Molly: I tell you, it was the driver.
So we piled into the Golden Cadillac and were taken to The Restaurant (Part 1)
[Ray and Molly] [Ray and Molly waving] Mitch: We sure squeezed in those fast cars like hyperspeed cans of sardines.
4:42 PM Ahhh The Restaurant (Part 1)
Ready to drink?
Molly: Apparently this was the best restaurant downtown. Some story about the owner going from rags to riches by selling snails.
4:43 PM Mitch: That's right.
So first we had snails.
Molly: So the first dish presented should always be the traditional snails
Mitch: Because that's what made the owner rich.
Molly: It's tradition.
Did you know that Morgan and Ray were classmates?
Mitch: You just suck those little buggers out. Pretty yummy.
Molly: You do. I don't.
Mitch: Yeah Morgan, Ray, and The Coroner are classmates.
4:44 PM Since middle school.
Molly: Ray is inviting us to this lunch, so he sits between us.
Mitch: Or in middle school.
Yeah this is Ray's lunch.
He's the host.
So we sit on either side of him
Molly: Who else came to the meal? Part 1?
Mitch: Because he's the host, and we're the honored guests.
I have pictures.
Check out the heads to see.
[Mrs. Mao] [Ray's wife] [Morgan (Mr. Mao)] 4:45 PM Molly: Angel is there, yes?
She is Morgan's and Mrs. Mao's daughter.
And her friend Emily.
Mitch: I think there was Morgan, Mrs. Mao, Mrs. Ray, Bill, Emily,Angel, You, Ray, and the two servers.
But the servers didn't eat.
Oh yeah and The Coroner.
Molly: Not then.
Mitch: He was definitely there.
4:46 PM Molly: HEH!
[Emily] [The Coroner] [Bill] Mitch: Three of the four classmates were there.
Molly: He was so there.
Mitch: And we had to ganbei each one of them.
Molly: Are you ready to drink?
One by one!
Mitch: The good old Da Tong Guan!!!
Molly: Sanbei!
Mitch: Sometimes Three by Three
Yeah the Sanbei!
4:47 PM Plus they all had to toast us.
Molly: I see your three and raise you to six.
[Molly] [Ray] [Angel] Mitch: I'll see your six and raise you to nine.
Molly: You drank nine with The Coroner, didn't you?
Mitch: Yep
Molly: I only drank six with him.
and also one or three with everyone else at the table
even the kids.
it's tradition!
Mitch: Yep
Molly: and rude to refuse.
[Server 2] [Server 1] [Mitch] 4:48 PM Mitch: I think by my count I must have drank over 40 cups of beer.
Which is about 8 big bottles.
Molly: Did you do the Wuyi Shan Jou?
Mitch: Wu Yi San Jiu.
Molly: wu yi san jiu = 5, 1, 3, 9
4:49 PM Mitch: How cute!
That only adds up to 18
I did it twice over.
Sounds like a lot.
Molly: but it was.
Mitch: Nahhhh!
It's mostly water.
Molly: anyway, I was a tipple bit sneepy.
4:50 PM Mitch: Just makes you have to pee a lot.
Yeah I was pretty sleepy too.
So Xiu Xi time.
Otherwise known as nap time.
Molly: So we got taken back to our hotel.
Mitch: Yep and had a full nights sleep in 2 and a half hours
4:51 PM In preparation for.....
Molly: Can we get the thing for the air conditioner?
Mitch: The Restaurant (Part 2)
[Ray, Mitch, Morgan, and The Coroner] [Angel and Emily] I don't even think we cared about the Kong Tiao at that point.
Molly: We get taken back to The Restaurant (Part 2)
Where, fresh from our nappage, it is a new day for us.
Mitch: Picked up in the black car or the gold one I can't remember
But it was fast.
4:52 PM And about 3 in the afternoon.
Molly: and we are back in the same restaurant, in the same private room on the fourth floor.
Room 409.
Mitch: Room #409
Molly: That's the lucky number!
Mitch: Redundancy
Molly: More of the same.
It helps prove our point.
Mitch: This was the serious power dinner man.
4:53 PM Who was at that table?
Molly: Morgan was afraid I was going to be nervous.
Mitch: Yeah man.
Molly: Well, The Coroner again.
[Molly and Morgan] Mitch: Of course.
Morgan.
Molly: He was a classmate with Ray and Morgan.
Mitch: And Ray
The classmates.
Molly: There was another classmate...
there were four in all.
Mitch: Did we ever meet the other classmate.
4:54 PM Molly: They had gone to middle school together and were friends from way back.
Mitch: Was she at The Restaurant (Part 2)
I think so.
Molly: Yes, I think, wasn't she?
Mitch: So we had The Director of Finance who invited us.
She was very very important.
4:55 PM Molly: So we had Mrs. Mao, Morgan, Mark (who was put out because he was ripped away from his basketball game to come talk English with the Laowai)
Mitch: And very very powerful in WuYi Shan.
Poor Mark.
Molly: And the Head of the Forestry Department
And Lily, but she decided to change her name to Odile.
Mitch: And the Head of the Contruction and Development Department
Odile, the devil's doctor.
4:56 PM Molly: She's the daughter of the Secretary of the Communist Party.
[Molly and The Coroner salute] Mitch: Yet so sweet.
And the Party Secretary was there.
Molly: She's a perceptive thing. But rather serious about being good.
Mitch: Yeah, well her Mom is the Party Secretary.
Molly: And Ray's wife, who is the head nurse at the hospital
4:57 PM She had some fun-key teeth.
Mitch: Seriously
Dentists are so cheap.
Kind of reminded me of the Queen Mother.
Why can't they just see the dentist?
Molly: And the Party Secretary's husband, Odile's father, who was the Party Clerk who used to be the editor of the newspaper
Mitch: I guess they're much too busy.
4:58 PM Yeah he's not much of a drinker.
But he's hung in there just the same.
The whole thing was a little stiff with power until we started the toasting.
Molly: Yeaaah, no, he's "not good at drinking" as Morgan is fond of saying of himself.
Mitch: Ganbei! Ganbei! Ganbei!
Molly: Yes, we started again with the drinking
. Mitch: Here we go!
4:59 PM And eating!
Molly: SANBEI, across the table.
Mitch: The food was divine.
Molly: First with the snails, of which you ate some and I ate none.
The mushrooms were fantastic.
Mitch: Sucked them out of their little shells.
Oh the mushrooms.
Molly: and the fresh bamboo shoots!
Mitch: MmmmmH
Molly: and the boiled duck parts
Mitch: Yeah
[Mitch and the servers] A lot of ducks died for us on this trip.
5:00 PM Molly: and the tofu squares
Mitch: Thanks for all the ducks!
Molly: heh
And the Kiss-replacement doughy sesame things
hot and sweet and lovely to roll around in your mouth
5:01 PM Mitch: Amazing.
Better than kissing some girl who just barfed on a train really.
Molly: Sersly. Twenty times better.
So we were drinking.
Mitch: So all that drinking.
Molly: Quite a bit, actually.
Mitch: Yeah and all that eating.
5:02 PM And all those red faces.
(Chinese peoples faces turn red when they drink, it's quite cute)
Molly: And then all of a sudden it was close to seven!
Students were waiting to meet us in some classroom somewhere.
Mitch: What are we going to do now?
5:03 PM Oh sweet let's go meet some kids and have a chat.
Molly: Well, they are going to take us for a little walk down the street to meet some students who have been waiting to talk to us.
Mitch: That will be nice.
Molly: I should think that would be pleasant.
Mitch: Sure why not.
I'm not that drunk.
I only had 8 bottles of beer.
Molly: So Odile gives me her elbow for support, and we totter down the city streets.
5:04 PM headed to this school downtown
Mitch: Tried on a shirt here and there.
Tai gui le!
Molly: We were just ambling along.
Mitch: And then we arrived. And Then....
Molly: And we walk up the stairs of the school all nonchalantly
5:05 PM Mitch: We're just going to chat with some school kids right?
Right?
Molly: That's my impression.
but no.
actually not at all.
Mitch: Oh No!!!!!
They split us up.
5:06 PM Molly: We were thrust into two separate classrooms
Mitch: To be continued........
Molly: TO BE CONTINUED!!!

7:28 PM Mitch: So here we go again!
[Classroom kids] [Classroom kids] Molly: Right-o.
7:29 PM There we were, what the kids call "snockered" suddenly thrust into separate classrooms
Mitch: So I don't know what happened to you but I was staring down about 40 bright eyed bushy tailed Chinese kids who just couldn't wait for their lesson from this snockered teacher.
7:30 PM Molly: That's about right on my side, too.
Mitch: Lesson plans-who needs em'
Molly: Though I probably only had about thirty kids.
Schmesson Plans!
they never turn out they way you plan 'em, anyway.
Mitch: Some of them I might have seen in double so it was hard to count.
Molly: heh.
7:31 PM Mitch: But man did I rock it out.
We had a blast.
Molly: So what did you teach them?
Mitch: We started with "What's up?" My classic start.
Molly: Me too!
Mitch: Moved into a little of the old chain game.
[More Classroom kids] 7:32 PM Molly: And I went around the room and asked them all how they were, and then how old they were and what grade they were in.
Mitch: You know the one where they say a word and then the next person has to say a word that begins with the word that the the last person's word ended with.
Oh yeah I forgot I made them all say their names.
I even got to name one.
Molly: is this the game that ends in the dark where you throw chalk at each other?
Mitch: I think his name is now Jameson, or Bud, or Coors or Tsintao.
I can't remember now.
7:33 PM Now that was another class I had.
Back home in Xiamen.
Molly: Everyone had rather blase answers to how they were, except for one kid, who we later hung out with... Harry.
Mitch: I did add a twist to the game though. If they couldn't say a word in three seconds I made them dance with me in front of the whole class. It was hilarious.
7:34 PM Molly: he sat there sweetly flaming and said "Fantastic!!!"
Which is not the standard answer, really.
Mitch: Yeah that kid was a little bit fairy and a little bit flat out gay.
But he sure was cute.
Molly: Oh my god I wished he could fit in my pocket.
Mitch: A pocket fairy.
Cute
Molly: With a Harry Fairy on my shoulder I could learn Chinese in a few weeks
7:35 PM Mitch: So then what did you do in class?
I had my kids rocking the fattest round of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" this side of the Pacific.
Molly: I told them a bit about where I was from, and then told them to ask me questions.
[A lot of Classroom kids] 7:36 PM So guess what perfect question the boy from grade three junior class in the middle asked me?
"What's your favourite fruit!?"
7:37 PM how did he know? Baffle!
So we went around the room and everyone said their favourite fruits.
And sports and so on. Then they asked for my email address, and I think I gave it to them...
Mitch: Nice.
Alright so the best part was after class.
Molly: so I might be seeing a new fan club form.
Mitch: When they all made us sign our autographs.
7:38 PM That was fun.
Molly: oh yes, the autographs
Mitch: I really felt like a Rock Super Star then.
Molly: What flourishes you're developing!
So that was fun, after all.
Mitch: Screeming 12 year old girls asking for my autograph.
Justin Timberlake eat your heart out.
7:39 PM Molly: OHMYGAWWD sign my schoolbooks!!!!
Mitch: "No me, No me, No me"
It was great!
Molly: And then we had a chat session downstairs... I remember there was fruit.
Mitch: Yeah some fruit.
Then....
Blind man massage.
7:40 PM Bet you didn't think that was coming.
[Sudden teachers] Molly: we sorta wandered off with Harry and Ray for 2.2 seconds before we decided that we needed massages.
I was really hoping, though.
So we went to this place that was really cheap, 25 kwai for the hour
And got Blind Man Massages
7:41 PM Mitch: But they weren't really blind.
Molly: which I thought were quite excellent.
Mitch: Just pretend blind.
Molly: no, I don't think your guy was blind. Know how I could tell?
He wore glasses and kept looking at his cell phone.
Mitch: How?
Classic tell tale.
Molly: but my guy might have been blind.
7:42 PM Mitch: Did he have a cane?
Molly: He had a strong sensitive touch and really found my burled-up knots.
Mitch: Fabulous!
Molly: I really enjoyed them and would have gone back every day. Had you not had other ideas...
but more on that later.
Mitch: Don't tell his wife, but I think Ray really enjoyed his blind man.
7:43 PM Molly: hnh oh, yes.
But his wife and Harry "hadn't gotten used to it" yet.
Mitch: Sorry I'm not used to being full body rubbed by a pretend blind man, with glasses who looks at his cell phone all the time.
But it was a good massage I have to say.
Molly: But! It's charming!
7:44 PM Mitch: As long as I kept my eyes closed and pretended I was blind too.
Molly: The best massages in my life have all been by men.
7:45 PM Mitch: Well seeing as how you are a girl and all that would make sense.
I've had the complete opposite experience.
Seeings how I'm a boy and all.
Molly: You don't say!
Mitch: Anyways.
Molly: So then we were picked up!
Mitch: So then what happened?
Molly: the dude with all the cars, the brother-in-law
7:46 PM Mitch: Yeah in the black car.
Molly: he came and spirited us back to the hotel.
Mitch: High speed to the hotel.
Molly: Was it black that time?
Mitch: I think so it was night time.
And I was a little inebriated.
Molly: Anyway, back to our fifth-floor pentacle-house.
Mitch: And all the fun with the air con.
7:47 PM Molly: That was so much trouble for the guide to book for us!
Mitch: Why is it so tough to get a kong qi that works in that hotel.
Molly: Hello? Front Desk? The air conditioner still doesn't open.
Please send the lady who knows how to open it.
We just needed the remote, dude.
7:48 PM Mitch: Seems simple enough.
But hey TIC.
Molly: But wait, This is China, right.
She did turn it on... but then left with the clicky.
Mitch: Bu shi huo jian ke xue (It ain't rocket science)
7:49 PM That nasty b*@%tch
But she did open it.
Molly: We had to be out the door to meet the guide at 8:00 the next morning.
Mitch: Until we took the card out of the electricity slot and then it was all over again.
Molly: Hah!
7:50 PM Mitch: That sneaky electricity slot.
Molly: I remember vividly what you said that night as you sat on the window ledge to smoke.
Mitch: Who knew all we needed was a comb holder to keep on.
Molly: "There's a goat out there that's not having a good night."
[Corner in village] Mitch: He certainly didn't sound like he was.
7:51 PM Sweet dreams see you in the morning.
Molly: So what, we set the alarm for 7:00 something?
Mitch: Butt crack of dawn,
Molly: Crazy dreams.
Mitch: Me too.
7:52 PM Then back into the black car.
To be whisked to the scenic spot.
Molly: Let's rush to the hotel restaurant for their delicious complementary breakfast!
but wait!
not yet!
Mitch: Oh how could I forget that bland ass breakfast.
Molly: No, not that. After that. But before the whisking.
Mitch: Blechh!
We didn't go back.
7:53 PM Molly: We had half an hour and I asked you if you wanted to go on an adventure.
Mitch: Oh yeah!
Molly: So we climbed down the bank to the shanty houses behind the hotel
Mitch: The beautiful stroll through the Hu Tong.
Molly: to look for that goat!
That place was so photogenic.
Mitch: That was China there.
Molly: Real China(tm)
Mitch: I'm sure that area hasn't changed in 200 years.
Molly: And one of the highlights of my visit, actually.
Mitch: Maybe longer.
7:54 PM The only difference was the kids tennis shoes
. Yeah it was pretty beautiful.
Nice way to start the day.
Molly: They still had shrine-like posters of Mao on some walls.
[Pond in village] Mitch: And beautiful gutters full of blood.
Molly: Right, though the olfactory aspect was a tad... poignant.
Mitch: Perhaps goat blood.
7:55 PM Always is in China.
Molly: Looks like we found 'im.
Okay, to the whisking.
Mitch: And I doubt Satan was there.
Molly: Ray was there, with Harry and Mark, and the guide.
Mitch: Yeah that's right.
To the scenic spots.
Molly: "the scenic sports"
7:56 PM Mitch: Yep we're heading to the scenic sports.
Molly: We were taken in the camo jeep to the scenic sports
where we "would be amazing"
Mitch: This trip to the scenic sports paid for by the Director of Finance of Wuyi Shan
7:57 PM Molly: ah yes, ordinarily a 140 kwai investment
Mitch: All she had to do was make a phone call.
Pays to have guanxi.
Molly: but we've fallen into the hands of some connected classmates.
Mitch: They're classmates you say?
7:58 PM Molly: Yes, actually. Since they were very small. And they've been together ever since.
Mitch: So what happened in the scenic sports.
Molly: So we were taken first to see Tian peak.
Mitch: Tian You peak Yo!
[Tian You peak with umbrella parade] [Mark, Mitch, and Harry] Molly: It's the #1 mountain in Wuyi Shan.
yus, that one.
Mitch: Luckily it wasn't too crowded!
7:59 PM Molly: We headed up with our three guides, Ray telling us in incredible detail everything we should do.
yes, luckily there were only a million people there.
Mitch: We went to that cool cave where Confuscious used to teach at.
Pretty cool.
1.3 million people
Molly: Luckily you didn't get stabbed in the eye by one of the 10,000 marauding umbrellas.
8:00 PM Mitch: I was wearing eye protection
Molly: 1.41 million that day... It was highest peak season day.
good on you.
Mitch: But before we went up the peak we had to see the fairy bathroom.
Molly: and we sat chatting in that disussion cave for a little bit, at that ancient concrete table
8:01 PM We saw that cool frog!
[Nine Bends River] Mitch: Yeah that was a cool frog!
I've only seen those frogs at the Nature Store.
And they're always made of plastic.
Molly: That was hilarious, I thought I was misunderstanding Ray telling me animatedly that we were going to the fairy bathroom.
Mitch: To go see the fairy turds right?
8:02 PM Molly: I asked, oh, to see some fairy turds? and he said, "Yes!"
Mitch: But unfortunately the water was off.
So it was a little smelly in that fairy bathroom with all those fairy turds.
But still quite pretty.
Especially with our fairy tour guides.
Molly: So we climbed through a doorway in a crack in the rock, there was a little stagnant water.
8:03 PM It was pretty appropriate, all in all.
more on that later.
So we started up the path to... go up the path.
Mitch: You have no idea how confusing gender can be in Wuyi Shan.
Molly: stairs, steep, in the sun.
Mitch: So many stairs.
Hundred, maybe thousands.
Molly: but we had to wait in line to start climbing.
Mitch: Nothing like waiting in line to go up a bunch of stairs.
8:04 PM Molly: There were less stairs than people on them simultaneously, though
Mitch: Yep
[Umbrella parade] [Nine Bends River] 3 people for each stair
And they were small stairs
Molly: and it was a constant stream of people up this giant rock.
The views were pretty fantastic, though
Mitch: Stream seems like a weak word.
Yeah pretty sweet.
It was worth it.
8:05 PM Molly: well, it wasn't so streamy... there was a whole lot of waiting.
Mitch: A bubbling brook perhaps.
Molly: But I admired the umbrella parade
how about a giant trickle?
8:06 PM Mitch: It was an experience I'll give it that.
But hey the tickets were free.
Molly: High volume water lock process, how about? Like the Panama Canal.
Mitch: Okay can we get to the top yet.
Molly: not yet.
8:07 PM stand in the sun and wait for the trickle to go against gravity.
okay, we may as well get to the top, I'm running out of space on my camera.
Mitch: Okay
So now we're at the top.
See the statues.
[Statue] [Statue shrine ceiling] 8:08 PM Cool right.
Molly: I'm having to delete photos from California and Colorado that I haven't backed up, just to make space.
Mitch: Okay let's go down.
Molly: It's really quite metaphorical for all the memory replacement happening in my mind.
We climbed all this way just to see some statues and leave?
Mitch: That's how we do it in China.
8:09 PM Have a very quick quick look and go.
Onto the next spot.
Molly: Wait, I'm still deleting photos.
Okay, we've left.
Mitch: And down we go.
And down and down and down and down.
Molly: Did you learn any of the local dialect Ray taught me?
8:10 PM Mitch: Muai neo yi bing.
Muai neo yi da.
Molly: I learned how to say "I want to eat. I want to drink. I have no money. I am pitiful."
It was really useful, actually.
And it impressed all the classmates.
Mitch: Muai neo Mitchy
Molly: "I want to sleep"
Aren't you glad for that?
Mitch: My name means sleep in Wuyi Shan Hua.
8:11 PM Which means that every time a girl is going to bed she thinks my name.
I like that.
Molly: Very cute.
On the way down a lot of those carried chairs passed us.
Mitch: All those sedans.
That was cool
8:12 PM Molly: Litter.
I couldn't think of the word.
palanquin?
8:13 PM anyway, they were hella expensive.
otherwise I would've had them schlep me down the rock face just for the novelty of it.
Mitch: Oh well maybe next time.
8:14 PM Molly: So we made it back down.
Mitch: Yep then we went to lunch.
Molly: That was pretty good. More bamboo shoots and mushrooms.
Mitch: And cold beer.
[Ray with tea] [Tea fox] 8:15 PM Molly: And then we walked across the street, up a drive and into a rustic tea house.
Mitch: Then it was tea time.
Molly: I thought the teas were excellent.
Especially the Nine Dragon Balls tea.
8:16 PM Mitch: The conglomeration of the original tea families of Wuyi Shan.
Molly: But also the Big Red Robe tea, the local famed one.
Mitch: For all you out there who don't know
Molly: There's this whole legend out there.
Mitch: Big Red Rob is the most expensive tea ever sold.
Molly: Josh didn't believe me.
8:17 PM Mitch: 120 grams went for 200,000 rmb I think she said
Molly: I didn't believe it.
Mitch: Back in 1993
Molly: what's that in American dollars, Mitch?
Mitch: When 200,000 rmb was a lot of money
Oh like 30k
Molly: for a pot of tea?
Mitch: Well maybe like 10 pots of tea.
[Tea fox again] [Ray with tea again] 8:18 PM Molly: running the water through ten times.
So this foxy girl made tea for us, and we tasted quite a few.
Mitch: Yeah she was cute.
Molly: She was a fox!
Mitch: And tasty too.
8:19 PM Molly: That's what Mark said.
Mitch: I mean the tea
Molly: Oh, right, the tea. That was tasty too.
Mitch: Oh yeah I learned "Ni shi hu li jin"
Which means you are a fox
8:20 PM Molly: I thought it was the best tea I had ever tasted.
Mitch: Yeah pretty darned good.
Molly: So we bought a lot.
Mitch: And according to the locals for a very high price.
But that's what happens to laowai in China.
Foreigner tax they call it.
8:21 PM Molly: Meh, I'd rather support what I enjoy.
Mitch: Me too.
Penny's back home really.
or pennys
whatever
Molly: I've lost any sense of comparison.
er, pennies ;)
Mitch: Me too, just for our viewers.
I can't spell in this damned alphabet any more.
8:22 PM Give me some characters.
No need for a damned spell checkers
Molly: why bother? Chinese is where it's at!
Mitch: [???]
Molly: So, right, we bought good tea at a high price, and then, walked across a bridge to this... tai hau le?
[Mark, Mitch, and Harry at a Cultural Palace store] 8:23 PM Mitch: Tai hao le
Molly: to this cultural palace.
Mitch: Oh the palace was nice.
Molly: I can't spill in pinyun.
Mitch: Very pretty.
Nice wood work
Molly: really cool carvings
and some jade chops and jewelry
8:24 PM Mitch: Yeah nice stuff
And all the pretty people getting wedding pictures.
That was nice.
Molly: Heh, the costumes were great.
You know, I tried to take a picture of one of the ladies getting her portraits taken
8:25 PM but the guard dude was there to step in front of her.
Mitch: Weak sauce
Molly: Nice service, though.
Mitch: They take pictures of us all the time.
Molly: Anyway, in the snapshot I took I could see her face... which was highly deletable.
[Mitch in burled chair] [Burl sculpture] 8:26 PM We need to start charging for that. Ten kwai for Laowai pics?
We walked through some palace.
Mitch: Then the only hotel in the scenic spot.
Molly: And then took a walk towards a hotel.
Mitch: But that wasn't that thrilling
8:27 PM Just a nice rest.
Molly: Oooh, I discovered a butterfly.
I named it after Harry.
Mitch: Oh that was pretty.
Then we had to wait to head off to have dinner with The Coroner.
Molly: Where was that?
8:28 PM Mitch: Some restaurant.
Molly: not... the same Restaurant?
Mitch: No it wasn't
Another restaurant.
Molly: no, it was a different one. We changed floors at that one
Mitch: Good food.
Molly: yes, but similar food and similar drinking experience.
Mitch: More ganbeis
[A gate in the Cultural Palace] [Keep Off Grass sign] Yep
Molly: and sanbeis
Mitch: Yep
8:29 PM Molly: and liubeis?
Mitch: And then we not so drunkenly headed out onto the street.
I think my liver was really figure out how to handle all that drinking.
Molly: Yeah, somehow I had gotten used to all that beer in my system.
I was frighteningly not tipsy.
Mitch: Damn my English is getting bad.
8:30 PM I think I've been in China too long.
Molly: So we were with Harry and Mark, and we need to go to an ATM
Mitch: Can't get the endings right any more.
Yeah then massages.
Molly: I didn't even notice. I fit right in.
So you wanted a GIRL to massage you.
8:31 PM preferably topless ;)
Mitch: Yep
I wish they had that in Wuyi Shan.
But she'd probably be a lady boy
They have the nicest boobs.
But we'll get to that later.
Molly: I opted for the "Chinese Medicine" foot massage.
Mitch: Sounds nice right?
Molly: hush about the lady boys!
it sounded nice.
Maybe it was nice for you.
8:32 PM Mitch: I enjoyed myself thoroughly.
My girl had nice boobs.
And they swayed beautiful as she rubbed my feet.
Molly: My girl kept thumping my knees.
I don't care for knee-fisting.
I wanted a foot massage, maybe.
8:33 PM But I had to stop her a fourth of the way through... I just couldn't take her vibe.
But I chatted with the boys while we waited.
Mitch: I just smiled and enjoyed
My feet felt great!
And my girl had nice legs too.
Molly: And I still paid for her to not massage me.
8:34 PM She was very concerned that you put your socks on.
Mitch: Oh well!
The rest of the vacation was free.
I think the only things we paid for were complete rip offs.
All the good stuff was free.
No that I didn't put my socks on.
Molly: Your girl came back in the room rather hopefully, I think, but me and the boys were still there so she asked after your socks.
8:35 PM Mitch: I would have let her give me a happy ending, but all she wanted to know was whether I put my socks on or not.
Molly: Aren't you going to put your socks on?!
for chrissakes.
So we left, right?
Mitch: Yep
8:36 PM Then we had to get back to the hotel.
But our standard chariot was booked.
Molly: but we didn't want to take a car taxi home, I suggested the bicycle rickshaws
Mitch: Yeah that was pretty fun.
Molly: the boys were nonplussed.
Mitch: It's amazing how far they'll go for 10 kuai.
Which is about $1.25 to you in the states.
Molly: Was it a race?
8:37 PM Mitch: I think so sortofish
We won though
Molly: Did you see the midget we passed?
Mitch: I think I missed the midget.
Damn!
Molly: We were winning the whole way there, slackers.
Mitch: Yeah but we took you in the end.
Then we were home.
Molly: Only because we let you.
Mitch: And we had to deal with the whole air con charade again.
8:38 PM Molly: Right, and we said we were going to SLEEP IN.
Mitch: Oh my God!
Sleep in!
How could you?!
Molly: We said we would be ready for adventures at 10:00 am
Mitch: You lazy people!
Molly: We informed them that this was a common practice during events like "vacation"
8:39 PM we wake up at 6:00 every day, seriously.
Hello? Front Desk? The air conditioner doesn't open. Yeah yeah...
8:40 PM Mitch: This time they sent in the boss.
Moreover the extremely snonkered boss
Molly: We made them leave the clicker that time. On pain of pain-in-the-ass and more phone calls.
I didn't notice, he was dr0nk?
8:41 PM Mitch: Couldn't tell by the red face and obvious swagger.
?
But he did bring that really cute girl with him.
That was nice.
Molly: Ah, so that's why he was poking at the inside of the air conditioner with a toothpick.
8:42 PM It turned on and he turned to leave triumphantly and I was like, ohhh no you don't! GIVE the clicky for KEEPING
Mitch: And he did that was n ice.
Molly: And so then we went into peaceful slumber to enjoy "sleeping in"
8:43 PM Except... except for the phone call that Morgan serviced us with, at what, eightish?
eight thirty maybe?
Mitch: Something like that.
Wouldn't want us to sleep in on vacation now would we.
Molly: That would be terrible!
Mitch: Just to remind us that the guide was coming.
8:44 PM Which we knew.
Molly: yes, so be sure to be ready.
Mitch: Because he reiterated it 13 times before we left.
And what time did the tour guide show up?
10 o'clock like we planned?
Nooooo!
Molly: ninish?
Mitch: 9:30 sharp.
Molly: he arrived early
and they kept calling
Mitch: And we made him wait.
Hahahahaha!
8:45 PM Molly: well, I told him that we were taking showers.
Mitch: Poor guy he was really nice.
Molly: because we were.
Yes, but we had The Plan!
8:46 PM no matter, we were ready at what time, down in the lobby?
Mitch: So off we go in the black rocket!
He was driving super fast that day.
Molly: 10:01 we are 1 km down the road.
Mitch: Cram packed in the black rocket
At break neck speeds.
Molly: Harry, Mark, Odile, the guide, and the brother-in-law is driving.
8:47 PM Mitch: Hauling ass up to the temple!
[Temple bonsais] Molly: The two boys stacked in the front seat.
Mitch: Oh wait we had to visit Morgan's new house first to get Odile
8:48 PM Molly: We actually stopped at some condos they were buying.
Mitch: That was nice
Molly: Morgan and Odile's mom, the Party Secretary.
Mitch: Then to the temple
Molly: Right, now we were crammed.
8:49 PM It was a beautiful old temple.
Mitch: Quite nice.
Just as you might picture it.
Incense, golden Buddhas, banzais the whole shebang.
Molly: I think we did picture it.
In fact, I think we took the same pictures.
8:50 PM Mitch: Then the fortune telling!
How did yours turn out Molly?
Molly: And Odile and Henry coached me on how to properly jiggle the sticks to ask Buddha a question
I got chi, number seven
Mitch: What was number 7?
Molly: so we went to ask the sage old man with all the fortunes on little clipboards.
8:51 PM I said, specifically about questions of the heart, and so he told my fortune to the kids and Harry and Odile translated back to me.
They said that my road to love is going to be rocky and rainy with storms and sleet.
Mitch: What did he say?
Oh man
8:52 PM Molly: And that if I want to find my true heart's desire, I need to stay in one place for a long time and work through all the difficulties.
I think, something like that.
Mitch: Geez
Molly: I gathered that it wasn't going to be easy. But I think I already knew that.
[Bonsais] [Incense at temple] Mitch: I got number 36
Very auspicious number.
8:53 PM Molly: nicely divisible.
Mitch: It said that I was going to meet the woman I would marry in Xiamen and hen kuai dian.
Or very quickly
And also that I would always have lots of food and drinks and clothes to wear.
Pretty sweet!
Molly: wow, both of ours sound astonishingly accurate.
8:54 PM Mitch: I guess we'll have to see about that.
Molly: maybe you've already met her...
Mitch: Oh yeah mine also said that the monkey is let out of the cage.
Watch out there's a monkey loose!
8:55 PM And it's me!
Molly: and then we sat for tea.
Mitch: That was nice.
Molly: At a beautiful burly table.
Mitch: Then we met Zhi Dao.
The head monk of the place.
And we took some pictures with his big rock.
[Golden Buddhas] [Head monk Zhi Dao] Molly: Ah yes, the head monk, he came to greet us personally, I think.
8:56 PM Mitch: Either that or we just sort of ran into him on his way to doing something else.
Molly: We're going to be so famous in China.
Mitch: But he was very nice.
His name is Zhi Dao (which means To Know)
Molly: Yes, I Know.
Mitch: Ni zhi dao ma?
8:57 PM Molly: YAR!
Mitch: No Ta Zhi Dao!
Molly: There was this other temple.
Mitch: Big ass gold Buddha there.
8:58 PM Molly: With nine dragons on the columns.
[Big stone Buddha] Mitch: Yeah and then we went down the road and saw the really really really big buddha.
He was cool.
Very fat!
And we lost our tour guide.
He just disappeared.
Molly: That was awesome, I made sure we were going to stop.
He didn't say anything.
So we just left.
Took off.
Ciaoabunga.
8:59 PM Mitch: I don't think he really said anything the whole time.
At least not that part of the trip.
He was just there to wake us up early.
Molly: Yeah, we had all the guides we needed in the three kids.
Mitch: Then it was lunch time!
9:00 PM In the bamboo forrest.
Molly: So then we careened down the hill to this rustic bungalow set-up in the countryside.
[Tea time at bungalow] [Bungalow restaurant] The Party Secretary was inviting us this time.
Mitch: That was in my top 5 meals of all time.
Molly: So sumptuous.
Mitch: She has taste.
So many crazy dishes.
Freshly killed duck soup.
9:01 PM Wild mushrooms galore.
Molly: Amazing mushrooms, yes. And the bamboo.
Mitch: Some kind of animal that was kind of like a dog and kind of like a deer.
Still can't figure out what kind of animal that is.
Molly: and the tastiest tofu and fish dishes
Mitch: Nobody really knew though.
[Bamboo forest] [Walking into the bamboo] Molly: It was a wild animal.
9:02 PM werewolf, you think?
Mitch: Don't know but they killed it just for us.
Molly: And it was nice and tender.
Mitch: Very rare! Very rare things taste so good.
Molly: Wait, do you think... that they didn't want to tell us that it was one of the dogs from outside?
Mitch: No no no!
9:03 PM It was kind of like a dog and kind of like a deer.
Not just like a dog.
Just kind of like a dog.
And kind of like a deer.
Molly: It did taste rather herbivorish.
and that dish, with the sesame kisses
[Ai Ming Chi] [Sunlight through bamboo] 9:04 PM Mitch: Oh the sesame kisses.
Molly: and the "pumped corn"
Mitch: I think it was "pumpfed corn"
Molly: Omigod, I could mouth those sesame doughy kisses all day long.
I think he meant puffed corn.
Mitch: That's just cus you aren't getting any.
9:05 PM Molly: I realize I'm not getting any. Thanks.
Mitch: Mines in the mail at least.
Should be arriving any day now.
Molly: STFU Mr. Fortunate in Love
Mitch: Hey man can't argue with the Buddha
Dude knows his stuff.
Molly: We drank cold beers at this place, too, yes?
9:06 PM Mitch: Yeah lots of beers.
Mr. Party Secretary definitely drank a few too.
Knocked him on his ass.
Molly: That really was the best meal I've had in China.
Mitch: Yeah it was pretty good.
Then a fancy stroll through the bamboo.
Molly: Dude, he was resting with his head on the tea table for like an hour after that.
[Walking up the path] [Path to the Da Hong Pao tea bushes] 9:07 PM We carved our names in the stand of bamboo
Mitch: It was a beautiful afternoon.
Dreamy really!
Molly: And played on one that was bent over.
Until you broke it.
Mitch: Yeah that hurt!
I fell pretty far
9:08 PM But I guess the tree was worse off
Molly: It's too early to unleash your inner monkey, maybe.
Mitch: Dude the monkey is out of the cage
He just doesn't know his own weight.
Molly: So then we had a choice to make.
9:09 PM Mitch: Da Hong Pao or the party secretaries tea farm?
Molly: Go to the Party Secretary's tea and porcelain shop, or go see the original tea bushes.
Our trusty kid-guides suggested the latter.
9:10 PM Mitch: Good choice I must say.
Lovely stroll up through the valley.
[...Across the stones] [Walking...] Molly: So two crammed car-loads of us went to another scenic sport where we would be amazing.
Mitch: To see the original, the three, the only, Da Hon Pao bushes.
9:11 PM Molly: It was a lovely stroll, again the ticket price waived by our connections in the Scenic Sport Department.
9:12 PM Mitch: Love the guanxi!
Molly: Were you amazing?
Mitch: Totally amazing!
Molly: I was definitely amazing.
9:13 PM And then we headed down, and sort of... parted ways with our kid guides except for Odile.
I didn't get to properly say goodbye to them, as I didn't know we were leaving them.
[Tea blossom] [Molly and Mitch at famed tea bushes] Mitch: They're not big on Goodbyes here I've notice.
9:14 PM Just really big on Hellos
It's kind of nice.
Molly: Makes sense.
So we went to the Party Secretary's shop after all to meet up with Morgan.
9:15 PM Mitch: Which was super cool
Molly: And Mrs. Party Secretary's assistant treated us to a display of Gong Fu Cha
Mitch: We got to see a bona fide gong fu cha performance.
Molly: Very elegant. Nice gestures
Mitch: Girl knows how to make tea.
Molly: Mitch took a hundred pictures.
9:16 PM Mitch: 200 actually
[Gong fu cha grin] [Gong fu cha] [Party Secretary at her tea store] Maybe too many.
Molly: wow, gonna make a movie?
Mitch: I had to get every gesture..
Yep
Molly: And then I was asked to participate by making a pot of tea.
"Molly... there is something wrong with your gesture."
9:17 PM Mitch: Molly Molly Molly
[Tea leaf in the shape of a dragon's head] [Tea cups] [Gong fu cha gesture] Molly: Molly this and Molly that.
Mitch: Oh Morgan is such a doting mother.
9:18 PM Molly: Yes she is.
Mitch: And still can't get his hes and shes right.
Molly: Maybe he won't have too.... soon.
Mitch: Duh Duh Duh!
Wait we have to eat again.
[Mitch with store attendant] [Molly has the wrong gesture] Molly: so he and his wife and the guide and we all head to our hotel to meet Morgan's student
9:19 PM Mitch: We have plans with the man who went to sooo much trouble to get our hotel and our train tickets.
Molly: the one who took such pains!
Mitch: Such pain staking trouble.
Molly: Which we paid for. Plus a service fee.
Mitch: But it was a lot of trouble for him.
Molly: And he didn't really make any eye contact during dinner.
Mitch: Even though he is a professional tour organizer.
9:20 PM Molly: and he kept getting up and leaving.
Mitch: But he did treat us to dinner that we paid for.
Molly: ah, because he was organizing a trip somewhere.
Mitch: Yeah and doing his job buying train tickets and booking hotel rooms.
Molly: Morgan asks us, would we like to go see a lady boy show?
Mitch: For a fee might I add.
I would love to see a lady boy show.
9:21 PM Are you serious?
[Gong fu cha audience] Molly: Morgan, our co-teacher at our super-reputable boarding school
Mitch: He's going to take us to a lady boy show?
For real?
Molly: Yes, I am also very excited for the lady boy show.
Morgan isn't so sure; he thinks he might be sick.
Mitch: Especially after all the fairies and gender mix ups on this trip.
Molly: Is there a translation issue at play here? Did he really ask us to go to a drag show?
Mitch: Only seems fitting.
9:22 PM Yes he said "Lady boy show"
In English
Molly: We explain that we have several friends who are drag queens.
Mitch: And all Chinese people know what lady boys are..
Even elementary school kids.
Molly: And that we still want to see the show.
[Lady boy show] ren yong
"human spirit"
9:23 PM Mitch: So we boarded the party bus! With the bumping techno music.
Molly: So we get on this giant bus full of other tourist that the tour guide has painstakingly procured.
Mitch: It must have been a lot of trouble.
Molly: not that that is his job or anything
or that he was making money. But for us it was free
9:24 PM but only because Morgan had such remarkable guanxi.
Morgan was so smashed
Mitch: He really does have connections
Molly: I admit, he really does.
Mitch: So let's get to the show.
It starts with Fairies
Molly: Right, we were expecting a drag show at this point.
[Lady boy singing] Mitch: Mountain Fairies to be exact
9:25 PM Hold on
Hold on
Molly: But it was a really fancy-schmancy production.
Mitch: First the fairies
Molly: a very cultural view of Wuyi Shan fairies.
Mitch: Full scale musical really.
Amazing costumes.
Fabulous music.
Telling the tale of how Wuyi Shan came to be.
Molly: Also really nicely choreographed dancing and gymnastics.
Mitch: Totally amazing
And the girls were gorgeous.
And definitely really women.
[Run away!] 9:26 PM At least at the beginning.
Molly: With all sorts of historically schmaccurate cultural glories
like a pantomime of gong fu cha
Mitch: A beautiful retelling of our whole journey through Wuyi Shan.
9:27 PM Molly: so by that point I thought that I had misunderstood the part about the drag show.
this was a family production, all very tame.
Mitch: Yeah I was wondering if there was a mix up in the translation.
Molly: there were water fairies
Mitch: But he did clearly say lady boy show.
The emperoro
Molly: and bath-taking fairies to represent the fairy bathroom
9:28 PM Mitch: The emperor in the Big Red Robe
like the tea (hint hint)
Molly: I recall!
But actually?
9:29 PM The emperor threw off his robe behind the scenes and the emcee came out not in his traditional robes but in a white tuxedo.
Mitch: Here we go!
I think we're going to see some lady boys!
[Lady boy show finale] 9:30 PM Molly: Just when I had totally stopped expecting it.
Mitch: WoooooHoooooo!
Four of them!
Molly: Yes, they were definitely lady boys.
Mitch: And man have they got some seriously huge jubblies!
Molly: Especially for boys.
9:31 PM Mitch: They really know how to lip sink Chinese songs.
Molly: Hey, remember that obscene portion of the show where the emcee did a boner check in the front row?
Mitch: They only make girl/boys like that in Thailand.
Yeah that was pretty risque!
Molly: Oh, were they Thai?
9:32 PM Mitch: Imported direct.
Molly: You could get your polaroid taken with them for 50 kwai.
Mitch: Such a bargain.
I had to get one.
9:33 PM How often do you get to take your picture with a bona fide lady boy in Wuyi Shan China?
Like never!
Molly: Coming back to the hotel room to see you toss that picture on the nightstand was priceless.
Mitch: Serious score!
We couldn't go to bed after that.
We were all riled up.
Had to go find some more fun.
9:34 PM Molly: I remember you texted Robert, "Guess what I just did. I saw a lady boy show, and you?"
We asked at the hotel lobby where the discos were.
And theoretically, our taxi driver was taking us to some disco, but it was really far away.
[Polaroid of Mitch with Lady Boy] 9:35 PM Mitch: We weren't really sure how far we were going to go.
He just said it's pretty far.
Luckily it wasn't that far.
But the disco was closed.
Bummer man
So we had to go for a walk.
See what we could find.
9:36 PM Molly: And what did we find?
Bottles of snake wine, just like the stuff you drank at dinner.
Mitch: And we found another serious score.
9:37 PM A huge bottle of snake baijiu!
And for only 60 kuai.
Which is super cheap.
Yeah, but a whole bottle of it.
And it has a real snake in it.
Quite good for the mojo.
Molly: the trophy to give to the Hottest Girl?
Hey man, is that a snake in yer jiu?
9:38 PM Mitch: Yeah it's a nice trophy.
[Snake baijiu] I hope she likes it.
She's so hot!
Molly: Is she a fox?!
I invested two kwai in some tea tongs.
We admired carved woody things
Mitch: Sure is buddy!
9:39 PM Man she's a fox.
But she's back in Xiamen.
Still have to wait and see if the Buddha knows what's up.
Molly: and then went home, to be ready for another early morning when the guide would come for us.
Mitch: Lots of nice carved roots.
Big ass carved roots.
For our trip down the river on a bamboo raft.
9:42 PM Molly: So next morning, we arrive at the river and tickets are all sold out
9:44 PM Mitch: For our trip down the river on a bamboo raft.
Quite a lovely float really.
[Nine Bends River rafting] [Bamboo rafting] Nothing to write home about.
Just a nice relaxing float down the Nine Bend River on a bamboo raft.
Lots of rocks shaped like turtles.
And mountains shaped like breasts.
Molly: I carried a parasol and felt like I was in an English painting.
9:45 PM And developed a hankering for watercress sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
Mitch: In a country with no bread.
9:46 PM Molly: or watercress.
so the guide is waiting for us, and takes us by public bus to his friend's restaurant
9:47 PM Mitch: Where we choose ourselves a very epensive lunch
Molly: we have a satisfying lunch of... mushrooms and bamboo and sesame kiss things.
Mitch: And tasty pork rice balls
[The largest Mountains Shaped Like Breasts in China] [Oh, sorry dahling, am I blocking your view?] Molly: And head back to Morgan's apartment where they are playing Mahjong.
9:48 PM Mitch: And had a very nice nap!
Molly: "Molly, why don't you have a rest or sit and watch Mahjong?"
"Okay, do as you like, then."
9:49 PM And then?! To the train station. "Mitch, don't sit on your teapot."
Mitch: I won't I promise.
Molly: "Don't let anyone sit on your teapot."
Mitch: I won't I promise.
9:50 PM Molly: oh! The Party Secretary gifted us both with tea sets and her famous brand tea.
Mitch: That was nice.
Molly: And we are explicitly told not to let anyone sit on them
Mitch: Because that is the greatest temptation on a train ride.
Molly: So we get to the train station compliments of one last careen in the plate-less black machine
9:51 PM Mitch: Soft class baby!
Great idea!
Molly: But we aren't traveling hard seat this time around
Mitch: Worth every jiao!
Molly: we've got beds, ohhh yeah
and a special waiting room
Mitch: Just for us with cushy seats.
Well us and the screaming children.
9:52 PM Molly: and when we're on the train, with carpeting, hot water, and little ammenities...
like the most bu hao ting fan ever
Mitch: Like a nice whirling fan.
And windows that open.
Molly: that fan...
Mitch: That fan made me insane.
Like Poe's Tell Tale Heart it did
9:53 PM I just wanted to kill it and bury it under the train. But I knew it wouldn't help.
I can still here it.
[Leaving Wuyi Shan] Ting
Ting
Ting
Ting
Ting
Ting
Ting
Ting
Ting
Molly: Dude, you can't bury the fan while the train is stabilizing.
9:54 PM Mitch: How many times do you think the train stopped?
Molly: What was that thing about irrestistance?
Hmm, maybe 59 times?
just a rough estimate.
Mitch: And there were only 5 or so serviceable stations.
9:55 PM Molly: it only took us 13 hours to get from Xiamen to Wuyi Shan.
Mitch: And a mere 17 hrs to get back.
Molly: At least it was comfortable.
Mitch: But luckily we were in soft class.
Molly: I slept the full night.
[Across the tracks] Mitch: With the lovely little chicken foot eating, chain smoking couple from Wuyi Shan.
9:56 PM Man did you see the bag of mushrooms they had.
Molly: You smoked out the window for me.
Omgod I was so jealous.
Mitch: Dude that must have been like 20 lbs.
Molly: I was waiting for the right moment to break into their mushroom bag and pop a few dried caps
Mitch: Probably had a street value of over 10 grand.
9:57 PM Molly: But they never left it unattended long enough.
I really really really had a hankering for dried mushrooms. Right then.
I would have asked, but I didn't hav the vocabulary.
Mitch: Oh well!
Well can we get off this train yet?
Molly: um, ge wa mogua, xixi.
9:58 PM no net yet. First we have to stabilize for a while
during which, you may not use the lavatory.
Mitch: And destabilize
Molly: why not?
Mitch: And stabilize
[Train engine] And destabilize
Molly: ting!
Mitch: and stabilize
Molly: ting!
Mitch: And unstabilize
Molly: ting ting
ting
Mitch: Ting
Ting
Stabilize
Unstablize
Molly: I really want off the fugging chug chug
Mitch: Restabilize
Ting
9:59 PM Ting
Ting
Ting
Molly: smoke.
ting.
Mitch: And we're home!
No we're home
I swear we're home.
[Train destabilizing] Molly: Oh thank the mushroom gods.
Mitch: Just 20 more minutes
Molly: wait, not yet.
10:00 PM no, this can't be twenty minutes out... there aren't any buildings for miles around
Mitch: Just mountains and forrest
Damned
Alright
Ting
Ting
Ting
Stabilize
Restabilize
Destabilize
Molly: Maybe we should stabilize for a while.
Mitch: Unstabilize
Molly: ting
Mitch: Ting
Molly: smoke
Mitch: Are we there yet?
Molly: Maybe!
Mitch: Dao le mei you?
10:01 PM Ting
I think we're there?
She's pulling up the carpets and taking all the things.
We must be there?
Molly: This is like that story you told me about when you were a convict in that high-security prison for your haenous crime.
10:02 PM Mitch: Yeah and I kept thinking I was going to get out of jail.
But it just kept taking longer and longer and longer and longer.
Molly: any moment now.
Mitch: Remind me not to tell that story on a train ever again.
Damned manifestational powers.
Molly: too close to home.
10:03 PM anyway, you have this unleashed monkey
Mitch: Yep the monkey is finally free from his cage.
And we're home!
For real this time.
And that's the end of the story.
10:04 PM Molly: well, THAT story.
Mitch: With every ending comes a new beginning.
10:05 PM Molly: Anyway, can I say one more thing about our excessively guanxi-ed up vacation in Wuyi Shan?
Mitch: Dang Ran!
Molly: Wuuuuuyiiiii!
The End.